Drunk as a Skunk
by fewch-chan
Summary: Never let your older brother find the person of his downfall, he may just kill him. EPILOGUE IS UP! COMPLETE!
1. That Fateful Day

This was my first finished story. Any other story I would write, I would get bored with it and start on a new one I had been thinking of! This story is hilarious! Let's just say there's some Edward and Winry abuse in this story! Well, read it! I hope everyone likes this one since House isn't getting many reviews. --'

**Summary: **A story about how giving a hometown hero one glass of beer can be a very big mistake…

* * *

Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 1:** That Fateful Day

* * *

"She's gonna kill me…" 

"Yep, she's gonna kill you…not me…"

"Shut up, Al."

Ed and Al were sitting on a train heading for Risembool, examining Ed's automail and shaking their heads as they saw the damage. Ed cringed at the thought of Winry holding up her wrench and Al nearly cried imagining that demonic, crazed expression that haunted him for the most of his life. They just sat there, staring down at the automail with fear in their eyes.

"Brother, don't worry. I'll restrain her when she tries to kill you."

"Shut up."

"Stop panicking."

"Shut up."

"Maybe we should get you some food so that you can calm down."

"Shut up."

"Are you okay?"

"Shut up."

"…"

"Shut up…"

"…"

"I SAID SHUT UP, AL!"

Al stared at his brother in complete silence with his head hanging from the side. "I didn't say anything." Ed stared back with a mix of anger and guilt in his eyes and sighed, continuing to examine his automail (and whining about what Winry would do to him when she saw it.) So while Edward did this, Al just stared out the window and watched the land past the train.

When he gazed back north, he saw the town they had been heading for: Risembool. From this distance, it looked liked a manufacturer's miniature redesign of the village. And, by Al's reaction, if he were human he would have the widest grin over his face.

"BROTHER, WE'RE ALMOST THERE!"

"Don't remind me…" He glanced out the window once, frowned sourly, and looked back down at his automail, practically shivering at the reaction that Winry would give him when she saw it. _"I hate my life," _Ed said, as a humongous sweatdrop appeared on the back of his head, "I wish someone would kill me." Al laughed in reply. "Okay, let me call Scar."

"Shut up, you lug of junk."

A few minutes later, Ed found himself stepping off the train holding two suitcases while he looked around the train station, searching for any signs of a "mechanic freak with a wrench of doom" running around and looking out for her usual kill. Al was standing behind him, staring down at him with a blank expression. Finally, sighing with his head bowed, Edward sulked toward the exit of the train station doors.

"Stop doing that. You make it seem like she'll kill you this time." Al stared down at Ed as he walked out the doors. His older brother turned to look up at him and rolled his eyes.

"That's easy for you to say! She'll give me a lecture once she sees-"

Ed stopped and stared upward when he heard someone call his name, and his eyes widened so largely that you could have stuffed a teddy bear in them. Al, on the other hand, had ran and hid behind a tree because he thought someone had sent an angry mob to stab them with pitchforks. But, by the way they were holding up sign that said **"WELCOME HOME, OUR HEROES" **he relaxed (but still hid behind the bush).

"_**IT'S HIM! IT'S REALLY HIM!"**_

Ed's eyes twitched as he saw a group of girls, in bathing suits, come running toward him.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" They tackled him to the ground and started snuggling him.

"HE'S SO SOFT! _Just like I dreamed he would be…"_

"Oh Edward, wanna come to my house?"

"NO, HE'S MY EDWARD!"

Edward sweatdropped as the group of girls started arguing and punching each other, while a man appeared before him with a smirk on his face.

"Hey there, bean sprout!"

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHORT BEANSPROUT WHO IS THE SIZE OF AN ATOM!" **

Everyone burst out laughing. Ed was so confused that he just sat there, his arms crossed while he pouted babyishly. "The boys were right, you do have a bad temper!"

"Why are you here anyway?"

The man smiled while the rest of the guys pointed to a shack that said "Village Bar House". "We come to invite you to a party! We wanted to make our hometown heroes welcomed!"

Al shook his head. "Uh, no thanks…"

Edward said the same, except in the rudest way possible. "Hell no!" Al sweatdropped at his comment and crouched down. "Why can't he just say something nicely?"

"AH COME ON, ED 'OL BOY! JUST COME AND HAVE SOME FUN!" The man walked over to Ed and patted him on the shoulder. "We just want you to forget about the hardships of being a dog of the military!" He stopped and looked over at Al.

"Al won't mind, will you?"

Al nodded and stood up. "Go, brother. I'll just go to Pinako's house and wait for you there…and take the blame for your broken automail…" He sweatdropped and picked him up, making him stand on his feet. "I don't mind one bit." Ed turned around with his eyes widened and held onto Al. "NO! They might do something stupid or something-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, all the men had started carrying Ed toward the bar and chanting the words of a beer song while Al stood there sweatdropping (for the fourth time that day). Finally, after staring for a few minutes in his brother's direction, he turned and started walking up the road.

He didn't know what peril he would be going through in a couple of hours…

* * *

_FIRST CHAPTER! –checks chapter off list- DONE! Now, all I have to do is retype all six chapters, add a bonus chapter, and then let the sweatdropping continue! –maniac like laugh comes out her mouth- I hope you stick around for the next chapter. Meanwhile, I'll try to finish chapter of both DS and House. -.-'_


	2. Ed and Beer Don't Mix

_YAY! CHAPTER 2 OF DRUNK AS A SKUNK IS HERE! I told you I would have it up in a few. The chapters are only three pages anyway, and sometimes a bit longer. Well, go on and read! You know you want to!_

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Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 2:** Ed and Beer Don't Mix

* * *

Edward was nervous, terrible nervous. He was sitting at a table; surrounded by drunken cowboys, farmers, and business owners who were talking so fast to him he couldn't understand a word. People were screaming, jumping around the room and even stripping (mostly drunk men were doing this).

He felt as though he was the only sane person sitting there. One guy had even tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he wanted a cigarette to smoke and then fainted onto the floor after having too much beer, and he was still lying right beside him drooling in his sleep. The man, who later told him his name was Sid, was sitting next to him blabbing about how the bar needed dancers to other men (who all agreed).

_These people are retarded…_ Ed stopped thinking to himself when someone came crashing onto the table screaming, "GERONIMO!" Almost everyone burst out laughing, except Edward who just sat there quietly sweatdropping. _I'm surrounded by idiots…_ Suddenly, Sid wrapped an arm around Ed's neck.

"HEY GUYS! Why don't we liven up this party a little bit more?" All the men screamed in agreement and started chanting something that Ed couldn't really hear at first and then slowly he understood.

1.

"LET'S-"

2.

"LET'S GET-"

3.

"LET'S GET THE-"

4.

"LET'S GET THE BOY-"

5.

_"**LET'S GET THE BOY DRUNK!"**_

Edward screamed and shook his head. "No, I don't drink beer!" "But you will tonight," Sid said, "Isn't that right guys?" Then all of the men jumped up and screamed**, "YEAH!"** Ed tried pulling away as someone sat a glass of beer in front of him on the table, clanking it down softly. "No, I won't do it!" Sid pulled him back. "Come on, kid! Just one little sip and its over!"

Ed gave him the eye and rolled his eyes. "Do you expect me to believe that?" Sid nodded and looked at everyone else. "DO YOU THINK FULL METAL SHOULD TAKE A SIP?" They all screamed**, "YEAH!" **Edward glared at everyone out the corner of his eye, but didn't respond. Everyone in the bar started chanting and banging on the table at the same time.

"DRINK IT! DRINK IT!"

Ed stared at the glass of beer and frowned. _Should I…?_

"DRINK IT! DRINK IT!"

He turned to face it. _They did just say **one **little sip…_

"DRINK IT! DRINK IT!"

_FINE! If it'll make them shut up!_ Edward snatched the drink up, brought it to his lips, and then took a gentle sip. Every man in the bar roared with excitement as they saw this and patted Ed on the back.

"See kid, that wasn't so bad was it?" Sid was looking down at him. Ed held the cup in his hands. He was right it wasn't bad at all. So, Ed smirked and took another sip, and another sip, and another sip… Until he had finished his first cup and was on to his second one...

* * *

"**AH! DON'T KILL ME!" **Al shook uncontrollably as Winry came to the door with the wrench in her hand and an automail arm in the other. She stared at him in confusion, one because he was shaking (because she never hit him with the wrench), and two because Edward wasn't with him.

"Hey, Al…" She stopped midway in her sentence to look around outside, still looking for the Full Metal Pipsqueak. "Um, where's Ed?" Al had finally stopped shaking by then (he heard the niceness in her voice). "Oh, he was invited to a party at the Village Bar by a couple of men… But, he'll be back soon."

"Did you say the Village Bar?"

"Yeah, why?"

"…"

"What's wrong, Winry?"

"Al, did you know that they sell beer?"

* * *

The men in the bar screamed and yelled as a drunken Sid sat down in a wooden stool and revealed to them a four gallon cup of beer. "Okay, we're gonna get this game started!" Everyone screamed happily and started throwing their hats in the air. "EVERYONE READY?" They all nodded. "ARE YOU READY, ED?"

Ed was lying on the ground, drinking his seventh cup of beer, and enjoying every last drop. "HELL YEAH!" he screamed in reply. Sid laughed and held the beer up. "YOU HEARD THE KID! LET'S GET THIS STARTED!" Sid cleared his voice and took a sip of beer and smirked, signaling for the pianist to begin the beat as he sung to himself.

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take 'em around, pass 'em around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!" Then, everyone in the bar started singing the song, even Ed.

"Ninety-nine **_–hiccup-_** bottles of beer on the **_–hiccup-_** wall, ninety-nine **_–hiccup-_** bottles of beer-" He was cut off when he took another sip of beer and everyone else began singing.

"**NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, NINTEY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER! TAKE 'EM AROUND, PAST 'EM AROUND, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!" **As they sand, they pasted the beer around and each person to a sip (and god only knows where their mouths have been). Then, it finally came to Edward.

Some guys had to pick him up and put him back onto the stool. They gave it to Ed and he gulped some down with just two guzzles. Every male roared with laughter.

"ALL HAIL DRUNK EDWARD! ALL HAIL DRUNK EDWARD!"

* * *

"I doubt brother's getting drunk right now, Winry. He would know not to drink beer."

"Are you sure? If he can kick someone in the face and give he or she a concussion then he can get drunk by a little bit of persuasion…"

They were sitting in the living room, waiting on a call from Edward after the party. Winry was pretty sure that Ed was out having a good time, having a beer drinking fest with the guys at the bar and everything else (she didn't know how right she was). Al thought it was just a nice party and that Edward would be home soon.

"Are you positive?"

"Totally sure. Brother's having a good and relaxed time and not acting crazy!"

* * *

"**TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" **Millions of drunken women were throwing money on the bar table while Ed swung his coat over his head. **"TAKE IT ****ALL OFF!"**

"**SHAKE IT BABY! OH YEAH!" **Ed threw his coat across the room and a group of girls caught it and started screaming and fainted to the floor.

* * *

"Okay, maybe we should go and check on brother, just incase."

"You won't regret it." After a long fight with each other (while Winry abused Al with the wrench) Al finally cooperated and decided to go check on Edward. Al laughed as they both walked outside in the darkness.

"Anyway, what's the worst that could happen?" He just **had** to ask…

* * *

_YAY! THE END OF THE CHAPTER! –jumps up and down- I bet you guys liked that didn't you? –laughs- Just wait until the third chapter… There's real chaos in that one. UNTIL NEXT TIME!_


	3. Attack of the Pink Ponies

_Chapter 3 of Drunk as a Skunk is here my friends! –laughs- Time for more drunken insanity and a sweatdropping Alphonse! –jumps around- Now, read it!_

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Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 3:** Attack of the Pink Ponies

* * *

Every man in the bar was looking at a table sitting in the middle of the room, laughing their heads off (and not to mention farting because of the humor). The women laughed with them as well. You could only guess who was standing on top of the table, preparing to do something completely idiotic. 

Edward Elric was going to make his first attempt to fly. "WATCH ME! I'M GONNA FLY LIKE A BIRDIE!" he screamed. He lifted up his arms, fell forward, and started flapping his wings only to land face first onto the wooden floor. Everyone howled with laughter as Ed finally got up and dusted himself off.

"That was a bad idea… **_MORE BEER PLEASE_**!"

* * *

Alphonse and Winry walked down the road toward the Village Bar slowly, on their way to get Ed to see if he was okay (or just having innocent fun, not!) Winry patted her back pocket and smirked because she knew that the wrench would come in handy in a few minutes and Al sweatdropped when he saw that scary expression come over her face. 

She was going to get Ed go this time.

When they got at least fifteen feet away from the bar, they heard the loudest screams, bottles crashing to the floor, and hundreds of people singing "99 Bottle of Beer". Winry looked nervously up at Al and he looked nervously back.

"Why don't you go first?" Al was nervous, very nervous.

"Grandma said I wasn't allowed in a bar…"

"Liar."

"How do you know?"

"Because you had to go get a bottle of Crystal Wine for Pinako when we were younger. I remember it **_pretty _**well…"

"…I hate you…"

Winry sighed and burst opened the door to the bar. Automatically, naked mean came running outside and screaming, "I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!" Winry closed her eyes and sweatdropped. "Ew, that's just nasty!" Al panicked and tried to find a hiding place but couldn't because one naked man came up to him.

"I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHIN, METAL MAN! I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE!"

"Uh, that's very nice to hear…"

"HEY, METAL MAN! WANNA SEE THE ZIT ON MY BUTT?"

"NO THANK YOU!" Al did the only thing he could do. He punched the mans so hard that he flew across Risembool and into the air.

Meanwhile, Winry had stepped into the bar and thousands of eyes had turned to look at her. She stared back, her hand on her back pocket ready to draw the wrench if they dared to come and touch her. She got the surprise of her life. Suddenly, without warning, she was tackled by Edward.

"WASSUP WIN-BABE!"

"GET OFF OF ME YOU-" She pulled out the wrench and hit him upside the head and kicked him in his stomach. "What the hell is wrong with you anyway?"

"Crack kills, Jesus saves!"

"You're abusing the privilege of being stupid, you know? Are you just acting like this to make me angry or are you covering up the fact that you have once again destroyed MY **_BEAUTIFUL _**automail?"

"…Ponies… THE PONIES HAVE COME!" Edward pointed toward the air and frowned. "Winry, the evil ponies from Planet Rainbow Monkey have come to zap us with their pink beams! If we get hit, we might turn into girlie-girls!" Winry looked toward the air, seeing nothing whatsoever, and then stared back at Ed.

"Edward, what are you talking about?"

Edward pulled a bottle of beer out his pants and chugged it down so fast that Winry and Al couldn't even see it fly across the ground and break (after Ed had finished). He ran over to Al and climbed on top of him, pointing once again to the sky and frowning.

"YOU'LL NEVER WIN MASTER PINK PONY!" He lifted his fist in the air. **"NEVER I SAY, NEVER!" **He raised his arms in the air, clapped his hands together, and transmuted a tree into a gigantic toothpick. "I know your weakness: healthy hygiene! You thought I would never find out about your secret, but you were wrong!"

"DID BROTHER JUST DRINK SOME BEER?"

"See, what did I tell you? Those guys obviously persuaded him to drink some and got him drunk… That's just great!"

"ALL YOU PINK PONIES CAN BURN IN-"

"Shut up, Ed…" A swing of the wrench and a loud banging sound could be heard, then someone falling to the ground. "That should keep him quiet for a while." Al nodded and picked up Ed while he watched more guys (all naked) come running out of the bar screaming.

"Come on, Winry. Let's get as faraway has possible from here."

"Yeah."

* * *

At the Rockbell residence, Al had sat Edward on the couch and Winry had the task of watching over him while Alwentto call Pinako, to see if she could help in someway. Al walked into the kitchen and called the automail workshop that Winry had told him she had went earlier on in the day. 

"What happened now? Do I need to call the ambulance for Edward because the wrench welts have become infected?"

"No, Pinako. You see brother went to a party that _we _had been invited to and well… The guys there persuaded him to drink beer and he's drunk now! What'll we do?"

"You could come down to the automail workshop. But, you might have to leave Edward behind. I don't want him to get murdered by the owner because he drank all his liquor."

"Okay, I'll be right there!"

"Bye."

Al hung up the phone and ran into the living room where Winry was fanning the air because of the beer odor that was rising upward from Edward. "What did my grandma say, Al?" Al walked toward the door and opened it while Winry stared at him in confusion. "Pinako told me to come to the automail workshop. I think we're going somewhere to get something for brother."

"You're gonna leave me here…with **_him_**!" She pointed down at Ed, whose tongue was hanging out of his mouth while he drooled like a dog (Winry got him good this time). Al nodded and waved at her, flying out of the house and down the road. "BYE! I'll see you when I come back!"

Winry jumped up and ran outside, watching as Al ran down the road. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH HIM! I MIGHT KILL HIM!" She paused as she watched Al go around a corner and disappear completely. "AL, COME BACK!" Winry waited for a moment to spot a big, shining figure coming back up the road but didn't. Frowning, she turned around and closed the door, groaning and shaking her head.

"He ditched me… Now, I'm stuck with Ed.." She looked over at him and suddenly realized he may be unconscious for most of the night. A smile spread over her face and she leaned against the door.

"As long as he doesn't wake up, I'm alright!"

She heard a shuffle of clothing and opened her eyes, and saw that Ed was sitting up and staring at her with a wide grin on his face.

"Hi, mommy! Good morning."

"…"

An evil smile spread over Ed's face.

Winry closed her eyes and almost cried. "Oh god, please save me…"

* * *

_The end of chapter 3! –does a back flip- This is going faster than I intended it to go, but who cares? As long as I make you guys happy! There won't be very much of Al in the next chapter because it's all about Winry dealing with Ed! UNTIL NEXT TIME! _


	4. The Day Winry Almost Lost Her Mind

_You have come to the most disturbing chapter yet… -sighs and twitches- I just have a few words to say: Pray for Winry because she's in for a load of terror and insanity. READ!_

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Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 4:** The Day Winry Almost Lost Her Mind

* * *

Winry sighed in relief as she noticed that he had no intentions of bouncing off the walls or pulling out more bottles of beer out of thin air. She closed her eyes and slid down to the floor, a smile appearing over her face. _Phew, I thought this was going to be horrible… But, maybe he might just sit around or something. _She opened her eyes again, and Edward was gone. Winry sweatdropped and slapped herself in the face. _I spoke too soon…_

She stood and followed the sounds that were coming from the kitchen. "Ed…?" She peeked around the corner and her eyeballs fell out of her sockets. Edward had somehow opened the cabinet where Pinako left all of her alcohol in it and was gobbling it all down. She screamed, ran over to him, and slapped one of the bottles out of his hand. It hit the floor and glass flew everywhere.

"Edward, what the hell were you thinking?"

"_**What the hell were you thinking? **YOU JUST SPILLED ALL OF MY MEDICINE!" _He bent down and started licking the floor. Winry kicked him on the head.

"The doctor said I have to take it every few minutes, Winry! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?"

"I understand that you're turning into an alcoholic!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Right back at you, baby!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"I'M TRYING TO TAKE MY GOT DAMN MEDICINE SO SHUT THE HELL UP!" Edward bent back down and started licking up the drink. "Yum, tastes like strawberries and chicken."

Winry growled, pulled out the wrench, and hit Edward on the head with it.

"WHAT THE F-" Edward began to say.

_**BAM!**_

"…Okay, I'll be a good boy now, mommy…" Ed sat there on the floor with two lumps on his head. Winry put the wrench back into her pocket and sighed. Ed stood up, and fell back down again. "Curse these legs. The Pink Ponies have put the Jell-O Rainbow Spell on them… When I can walk again, they will feel my SQUIRRELY WRATH!"

Winry sighed and sweatdropped. _This was going to be a very long night…_

* * *

"_**TELLS MES A STORIES, MOMMIES!"**_

Edward jumped up and down on the bed screaming random things while Winry sat on the bed, sweatdropping and bouncing whenever the bed shook.

"_**GIVE ME MORE BEER, WOMAN! I WANNA GET DRUNK AGAIN!"**_

"_**THE PINK PONIES WILL DIE!"**_

"_**WHICH CAME FIRST THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?"**_

Winry grabbed Edward by the leg and made him fall back onto the bed. "Give me more beer! MORE BEER! MORE BEER! MORE BEER!" Winry slapped Edward and he stopped instantly. Her eye twitched when she saw Edward's personality change for the billionth time that day.

"Yes, my dear?"

"…" Winry stared at him in silence.

"Your eyes are the color of the sky, when the light shines upon it. Your hair…" Edward got a strand of her hair and rubbed it against his cheek. "…Is as soft as a baby's bottom and the color of sunflowers on a summer day."

Winry sweatdropped and took her hair back. "That's nice… Uh, anyway, can you stay in here? Can you go to sleep or something?"

"Anything for you my fair maiden."

"…Okay, I guess that was a yes."

"I will see you at dawn, my Wilhelmina."

"My name is Winry."

"Okay, I understand, my Willow."

"…I'll just be leaving now…"

She walked toward the door and opened it and was about to step out when Edward called her name.

"What?"

He blew her a kiss and gave her the biggest puppy-dog eyes in the world. Winry sweatdropped and ran away, trying to escape from Ed's terror.

When she got to her room, she sat on the bed and lied down. "Let's just hope the rest of the night will be peaceful."

* * *

Winry jumped up in bed when she heard something crash to the ground downstairs. She mentally screamed and jumped out of bed. "I FELL ASLEEP? NO!" Winry panicked and patted her head, remembering that Edward was still drunk. "Oh god, oh god, oh god…" Winry snuck out of her room and looked into the room where she had put Edward.

The bed was empty.

"CRAP! God only knows what he could be up to right now!"

Gulping, she crept out into the hallway and toward the steps. She tiptoed toward the steps and felt something slide underneath her feet. Winry narrowed her eyes and tried to squint down in the darkness at the thing in the floor, but only could make out an uneven outline. _What is that? _Luckily for her, there was a light switch next to the steps. She flipped it up.

The thing in the floor wasn't just a thing… First, Edward's pants were on the bottom, and then his black jacket he always wore, then his shoes, and then his black shirt (or you can just call it a muscle shirt) he wore underneath the black jacket. There was no sign of his red coat. Winry almost cried in complete horror. She hoped whatever she was going see downstairs didn't make her pass out.

Gulping again, she went slowly down the steps and toward the kitchen; she heard a sound, like someone swinging around a shirt (hint, hint!). Winry was in front of the kitchen door and saw him on the table, but couldn't see what he was doing. She switched on the light again, and her eyeballs bulged out of her sockets.

"EDWARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Edward was standing on the table, shaking his hips and swinging his red coat in the air over his head while he only wore his well-known blue boxers. Winry screamed and covered her eyes.

"EDWARD, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

He laughed (one of those sexy laughs) and continued to swing his coat over his head. "COME AND RIDE THE SEXY EXPRESS, BABY! WOOHOO!" Winry turned around and shook her head. "NO!"

"YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN!" He stopped and jumped off the table, walking toward Winry with this seductive look in his eyes. _"Would it be better if I took off my boxers?"_

Winry squealed and jumped backwards, accidentally running into a chair and nearly falling backwards in the process. **_"NO! DON'T TAKE THOSE OFF! PLEASE DON'T TAKE THOSE OFF!" _**

She heard Ed scream all of a sudden, a loud banging sound (him running into a chair), and another loud slam. **_"I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" _**Winry stayed turned around for a couple of minutes and finally turned around when she noticed that it was completely silent.

"Edward…"

There was no sign of Edward. The front door was wide open, leaving behind a cold chill. The only thing he left behind was his coat. And his blue boxers.

* * *

_-laughs her butt off- YEP, YOU READ IT! HE'S RUNNING OUTSIDE IN HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT! I AM SO EVIL! SEE YA ON THE NEXT CHAPTER!_


	5. Ed, Winry, and a Tranquilizer Gun

_I'm getting some pretty good reviews for this story and all the demands have gotten to me! ON TO THE FIFTH CHAPTER! Oh no, you only have one chapter and a bonus chapter left. –cries- This beautiful story will be ending soon. WELL READ IT WHILE IT LASTS!_

* * *

Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 5: **Naked Ed, a Scared Winry, and a Tranquilizer Gun

* * *

Winry poked her head out the door and saw Ed running down the hill screaming something about becoming a male stripper and becoming a millionaire. Luckily, midnight hadn't come yet and the moon wasn't shining too brightly because she wasn't in the mood to see her friend's naked bottom. She scrambled into the darkness and cupped her hands around her mouth, hoping that her voice would carry far enough so that Ed could hear her (like the would come back anyway). 

"EDWARD, YOU ALCHEMY FREAK! GET YOUR DRUNK BUTT BACK HERE!" She stopped and waited for an answer, only to get a loud scream from Edward talking about how the breeze was cooling down his body (yes people, everywhere on his body). Groaning, Winry dashed into the house and into the kitchen, tripping over Ed's underwear (and screaming in horror) and barely missed his coat that was in the middle of the floor.

She fumbled through the kitchen drawer and found a flashlight, made sure it still worked, and snatched up Edward's coat. Winry sighed and ran outside, slinging the coat over her shoulder and rolling her eyes.

"The things I do for friendship." Before she went off looking for Ed though, she had to go get something from her neighbor's house… Winry glided over to Mr. Delling's house as fast as she could while she slipped through the mud. Winry ran up Mr. Delling's stairs and knocked on the door like she was trying to run away from a murderer (in other words, in a mad hurry). A couple of minutes later, a man wearing a straw hat and smoking a very _big_ cigarette came to the door.

"Hey there, young lady! What're you doin' out so late?" (Oh god, a country accent.)

"I need to shoot a _wild monkey… _Can I use your tranquilizer gun?"

"AIN'T ANY MONKEYS IN RESEMBOOL!"

"UGH! JUST PLEASE GIVE THE GUN!"

"If I gave to ya, you won't be able to hardly carry it, little girl!" He burst out laughing, but didn't notice the heat rising out of Winry's head.

"_**FINE! I'LL GET IT MYSELF!"**_

And after that, all you hear was a loud scream from Mr. Delling… and the sound of the wrench being swung.

* * *

"--And then Ed took out a bottle of beer and drunk the whole thing in like five seconds, then he was screaming about pink ponies from Planet Rainbow Monkey coming to kill us, and then he transmuted a really big toothpick and started stabbing the sky!" 

Pinako only nodded as she continued to smoke her pip and walk out of the Automail Workshop while Al followed her and continued to tell her about Edward's beer drinking fest. "Then, Winry had to hit him with the wrench just to make him shut up! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, PINAKO? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T STOP?"

She sighed and patted softly on Al's metal body. "Don't worry, he'll eight eventually pass out in the bushes somewhere or Winry might hit him between the eyes with a hammer out of frustration." Al didn't reply, but looked instead to see someone running down the road.

"Weird, who would be outside running at this time of night?" (Hint, hint!)

"It happens all the time, nothing new." Pinako opened her eyes and squinted so that she could see who it was. The, she dropped her pip and almost fell over when she saw the scariest sight in the whole entire universe (and in the Milky Way).

Al and Pinako saw a naked body and a flash of golden blonde hair pass them while the person screamed and shouted about nothing, running into the woods and jumping over bushes.

"Oh my goodness, the midget has gone insane!" Pinako burst out laughing and picked up her pipe. "I can't wait until the people in town get a load of this!"

"**_OMG! THAT WAS BROTHER!" _**Al screamed and ran off into the woods, chasing his butt naked brother into the bushes with his metal arms swinging in the air in panic. Pinako laughed and took another puff of her pipe, following after the two brothers into the woods.

"This is going to be **_very_** interesting."

"_Oh Edward… Come out, come out, wherever you are…" _Winry growled and searched around the woods, walking slowly through the bushes so that she wouldn't frighten Edward away. _"Jeez, he couldn't have run that far! It only took me a second to nicely get that tranquilizer gun from Mr. Delling." _She smiled innocently on the outside and laughed evilly on the inside.

She looked down at the gun and sighed. "I hope it works. If this thing gives Ed an energy boost, I'm going to lose my mind." Winry moved behind a tree and peeked though the thick bushes, looking for any signs she could. Slowly, she examined her surroundings and caught sight of a flash of golden blonde hair, nakedness, and a heard a loud monkey-like scream from not to far away (that's him alright). Then, she saw Al with his arms in the air screaming, "BROTHER! YOU'RE NAKED, STOP!"

Winry jumped up and ran in their direction. Not too shortly afterwards, she ran into Pinako, who was slowly following Al into the woods while she smoked her pipe. "Grandma, how-"

"I was leaving the Automail Workshop and saw him running down the road in his birthday suit and screaming like he had just experienced the apocalypse."

"Well, that explains a lot…" Winry sweatdropped and sighed. They came out in a clearing where they saw Al looking up a tree and screaming.

"BROTHER! PLEASE GET DOWN! YOU'RE GOING TO FALL!"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT COMING DOWN UNTIL THE RAINBOW MONKEYS LEAVE OUR PLANET!"

"_**THERE ARE NO RAINBOW MONKEYS, ED!"**_

"_**YOU LIE! THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY HAVEN'T APPEARED IS BECAUSE THEY SEE MY POWERFULNESS AND THEY'RE KEEPING AWAY BECAUSE IT MIGHT MELT THEIR EYES!"**_

"_**BROTHER, YOU'SE SUCH AN IDIOT!"**_

"_**YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT WHEN I SAVE YOU FROM THOSE DAMN MONKEYS FROM HELL AND BEYOND!"**_

Pinako burst out laughed and tried not to choke on the smoke that was coming out of her nose while Winry put the little scope of the tranquilizer gun to her eye ands started slowly looking through the tree. Her grandma noticed this and poked her on the shoulder.

"Where did you get that?"

"From our nice neighbor."

"… Winry, you really need to stop doing that…"

"_What do you mean, grandma?" _She shook her head. "Never mind, I'm trying to concentrate now."

Winry finally found a leg and smiled, her finger on the trigger. "Bull's eye!" She moved up a little, screamed, and her face turned a crimson red. _"I'll just shoot him in the leg…" _(Winry accidentally went a little too high and saw his bottom.) Winry pulled the trigger and almost flew backwards when the dart came out, shot Ed in the leg, and made him fall against the tree.

"Curse all of you rainbow monkeys, you have won… again…" 

Ed wobbled forward and fell out of the tree and into the bushes. Sighing in relief, Winry dropped the tranquilizer gun onto the ground and threw her arms in the air. "THE HORROR HAS ENDED!" Al walked into the bushes and sweatdropped at Ed, who was lying unconscious on his stomach.

"Hey, Al! Here, I have his coat!" Winry threw Ed's coat to Al and he caught it, bending down to pick up Ed and wrapped it around his body. Ed snorted when Al put him over his shoulder (with the coat safely covering his body.) Winry and Al both sighed again relief and Pinako laughed quietly with her back turned to them.

"That's it. Brother is never going to another party!"

"Yeah, no more partying for him."

"That was fun to watch. I hope it happens again." Winry and Al stared at Pinako with their eyes wide and shook their heads. "TRUST US! THERE IS NO WAY THAT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"

* * *

"Ew, Edward! Stop drooling on me! I might rust!"

Al wiped the spit off his armor and tried to throw it on the ground, but it stuck like glue. "I can't wait until we get back to the house and put you to bed!" Drool dripped down Al's armor (while he continued to sweatdrop) and Edward snored in his sleep making a snot bubble pop.

Winry rolled her eyes and sighed. "Back to the same old same old…" Winry walked up to onto the porch opened the door, letting Al and Pinako in.

"Well, it's better than what was going on not too long ago."

"Yeah." They all walked into the house, carrying a drooling Edward in there with them. Then there was an inconvenient silence as they saw the mess in the kitchen.

"_**HE DRUNK ALL MY BEER! EDWARD ELRIC!"**_

* * *

_Two more chapters to go! SEE YA ON THE NEXT ONE! Note: It kind of took me a while to upload this because I kept getting an error page pop up. I was scared I wouldn't be able to let all of you read it. T.T_


	6. The Morning After

_-looks wide-eyed- Chapter 6 already? –sighs and screams- I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO AND THEN I HAVE TO START ON ANOTHER STORY! –blinks- Or maybe I could create a sequel… O.O_

* * *

Drunk as a Skunk

**Chapter 6: **The Morning After

* * *

"What the…?" Ed woke up that morning with a pounding headache that he clearly felt through his sleep and he also felt a bit queasy whenever he moved his head and looked around. He tried moving his leg (the one made of flesh) and groaned when he realized that it wasn't going to be moving anytime soon. His left eye twitched and he tried to slowly sit up (not without grunting loudly enough for everyone to hear).

"Come on, Ed… You can do this…" He pushed himself up so that the sun that shone through the open window shined in his eyes. Ed stopped dead when he felt his stomach talk to him (you know what's coming). He sweatdropped and felt his stomach, confused.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" He poked his stomach and listened to it talk to him again. Rolling his eyes, he got off the bed and stood up, only to crash into the wall in the process and poke himself in the eye. "ARGH!" Ed collapsed to the ground and lay there like he was dead. "What am I, crippled? These damn legs won't work at all!"

Once again, he tried to get up, only to once again feel his stomach talk to him and give him a **big** present. Covering his mouth, he somehow ran to the bathroom and made a mistake and threw up on Winry' bathrobe (he knew for a fact then that he was going to be more than sick, he was going to be in the hospital). He screamed in confusion and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair looked like he had fell in some buses and his cheeks were sticky (hmm, I wonder why?)

Growling, he stomped out into the hall and looked around, seeing if anyone else was awake so he could get some answer (and pronto). Ed cursed under his breath when he heard no one, except some loud snoring coming from down the room on the far left. Sighing, he walked toward the room and peeked in.

"Jeez, she sounds like she's sawing logs. But, she could have some answers…" Ed stood over the bed and poked her on the head. "Winry… wake up."

"No…"

"Winry, come on!"

"No, mommy… I want to stay home and bake cookies with you… Zzzz…"

Ed sweatdropped and shook her. "Come on, mechanic freak."

"Zzzz…"

Ed took a deep breath and leaned forward near her ear. **"WAKE UP, WINRY!" **Winry jumped up so fast that she head-butted Ed and he flew across the room from the force, screaming when he hit the wall. She looked around for a moment, gasping for breath and spotted Edward sitting across the room, groaning.

"Ah, E-Edward?"

"DUH, WHAT OTHER PERSON DO YOU KNOW HAS GOLDEN EYES AND GOLDEN HAIR?"

"You're back to normal." She spotted the hole in her bedroom wall that Edward had made. "DID YOU DO THAT?" Ed already saw the wrench clutched in her hand when she reached underneath the pillow to get it.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MOON SIZED FOREHEAD THAT SENT ME FLYING LIKE A RAG DOLL!" He growled and rubbed his forehead, standing up and stomping towards Winry.

"What happened last night?"

"Huh?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM YESTERDAY! THE ONLY THING I DO RECALL IS GOING TO A PARTY AND-" Ed stopped midway in his sentence, suddenly realizing something just wasn't right. He started putting two and two together and found the answer to all his problems.

"Winry, did I get drunk?"

"…Uh…"

There was a silence for a moment.

"I knew it… I JUST KNEW I SHOULD'VE NOT TAKEN THAT BEER!" He mentally slapped himself and sweatdropped. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Winry sat there watching him as he shook his head back and forth. Finally, after getting over the undeniable truth, Ed looked at Winry and rubbed his stomach.

"I'm hungry… Feed me."

She got out of the bed and walked past him while hitting him on the head with the wrench. "Get your own breakfast!"

"**OW, STUPID MECHANIC FREAK!"**

"**ALCHEMY MANIAC!"**

"**STUPID MECH JUNKIE!"**

"**UNBELIEABLY SHORT LITTLE BEAN SPROUT FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"**

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE BEAN SPROUT THAT YOU CAN'T SEE GROWING OUT OF THE GROUND AND YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND STEP ON IT?"**

As they continued to scream at each other at the top of their lungs, meanwhile, Al and Pinako had just come back from the grocery store (one, for food, and two, for some pills for a headache that they knew Edward would have). Al sweatdropped as soon as he stepped inside because of all the screaming that was going on and Pinako laughed. "Whew, it's nice to hear the sound of angry screaming in the morning…" Al tried not to wine when he heard a crashing sound a scream from his brother.

"HEY, YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS! STOP ALL THAT FIGHTING AND COME IN HERE!"

"**SHUT UP!"**

"**I'D KILL MYSELF BEFORE I EVER LIKED HIM!"**

Al sighed. "Blah, blah, blah," he said. Winry and Ed came walking down the hallway, insulting each other and punching one another every few minutes. "Well, time to explain what happened to the little bean sprout."

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?"**

* * *

After _more_ screaming, and _more_ punching, Winry got to work on Ed's automail while Al sat and waited for her to finish. Words couldn't explain how loud the sounds were from Winry's wrench and Edward's screams of terror as the piece of metal came in contact with his skull (and not to mention the whimpers Al made when he saw a hammer go flying out the window and a shovel shoot through the door like an arrow).

Not long after, Ed came out of the room with Winry with at least fifty bumps and bruises on his head (he didn't seem to notice), flexing the newly repaired arm and glaring a couple of times at Winry who went on about how he should be more careful and stop being so _reckless_. Al watched as his brother swiped up his coat and put it on himself.

"Come on, Al. Time to go."

Winry folded her arms across her chest and whispered under her breath. "What is this, the repair-and-go-workshop?" Ed turned and looked at her.

"What was that?"

"Nothing you would understand."

"…Stupid mechanic freak…"

"…Alchemy shorty…"

"Whatever you say, junkie."

"At least I don't need a step stool to reach the toilet."

_"**OKAY, I'M KICKING YOUR-"**_

Al grabbed Edward and dragged him outside while he screamed and taunted Winry. Pinako came outside and managed to wave good-bye and wave at Al, as the angry yells got louder and more frequent. "BYE! Come on, brother." Ed didn't reply, but kept screaming at Winry.

"**I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MECHANIC FREAK!"**

"**I'LL SEE YOU WHEN WE FINALLY GET TO SEE EYE TO EYE!" **

Al sweatdropped and with that, dragged a screaming and cussing Ed down the dirt road toward the train station, groaning in embarrassment.

**- - THE END - -**

* * *

_That's the end of the story! T.T But, don't fret. There's something else coming up. SEE YOU ON THE BONUS CHAPTER!_


	7. Epilogue

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while! I've been doing a lot of other things lately! –laughs nervously- So, what you guys have been waiting for the, the last chapter (or bonus chapter that is). Or in other words, the epilogue.

* * *

Drunk as a Skunk

**Epilogue**

* * *

Winry placed her hand on her hips and shook her head as she watched Edward slowly being dragged down the road by his sweatdropping younger brother. _That boy… _A frown that had appeared over her face was replaced by a humorous smile. _I was glad him and Al visited anyway… Even though it led to some pretty horrible things. _She turned toward the house and walked inside and started cleaning up. (And poor Pinako examined the holes on the side of her house and the axe that was sticking out of the pipes.)

Winry walked into the bathroom and turned on the water and prepared to grab her bath cloth when she noticed something dripping off her bathrobe. She blinked and leaned close to examine it, noticed the smell, and her eyes narrowed slowly.

…

…

"_**EDWARD ELRIC!"**_

* * *

Ed stopped thrashing around when he heard a certain voice scream his name from far away, and gulped, remembering what he had did. _Oh… crap… _He immediately stood up, and dusted himself off, and plastered a fake smile on his face.

"Hey, Al! Thanks for dragging me down the road! NOW LET'S GO BEFORE WINRY COME'S CHASING ME LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!" Al watched in amazement as his brother ran down the road like a track runner and disappeared after he passed a couple of confused villagers. And, with a sweatdrop running down the side of his head, he ran quickly after him just incase Ed left in the rush to escape from Winry.

When he finally caught up with him, Edward was slowly walking down the road with his hands in his pockets (and somehow holding the suitcase at the same time). He had his eyes closed, and seemed to have cooled down. Al sighed in exasperation and continued walking alongside him.

"Oh, my gosh! THE Edward Elric was here? Hey, show me the way in then kind sir!"

There was a laugh and a silent slapping sound (of someone being hit on the back). "You betcha!"

Al smiled and laughed. "Well, it seems that the most unpopular places can become popular just by the mention of your name!" He continued laughing, preparing for some kind of ignorant comment. The only reply was of silence. Al blinked and looked down beside him and saw that Ed was gone.

"Brother…?"

_"**HEY! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM YOU BASTARD! YOU SURE WERE EXCITED TO SEE ME YESTERDAY WHEN YOU GOT ME DRUNK AS A SKUNK!"**_

"_**I'M SORRY, ED! OMG! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT TREE BRANCH!"**_

"_**I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU WITH IT THAT'S WHAT! NOW HOLD STILL SO I CAN STAB YOU BETWEEN THE EYES!" **_

Al turned to the right a bit hurriedly and saw that Edward was chasing down Sid with (no surprise) a branch. His eyes widened in horror as his brother transmuted a cannon into the ground and stood behind it to fire at the poor man standing up again the building.

"EH! BROTHER, YOU BETTER NOT HURT HIM!"

Al knew now for a fact then as he punched his tiny (Au. Input: Oops…) brother in the face and tied him around his metal waist so that he couldn't escape. He was never letting his brother go to a party alone ever again, even if it meant being called a trashcan and a robot man. Nevertheless, it would be better than watching his brother running through the woods naked and screaming about pink ponies any day.

* * *

_That's the end of the story! Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up! I've been getting lazy again! XD Well, I'll see you again if I decide to make a sequel. Dewa mata! (See you later!)_

_-- Blue Gazelle _


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